Washington, DC – White House security and Secret Service agents called a red alert late Tuesday evening when sensors along the perimeter of the White House grounds detected unauthorized movement. The incident led to 14 Marine platoons being placed on high alert and the Air Force scrambled five F-35 Lightning II fighters while the Army activated four specially equipped Apache helicopters. 

The cause of the security breach turned out to be a dementia patient who had been missing from his care facility for several hours.  The patient appeared to be in a daze as he repeated the phrase, “I’m looking for my good pal, Brad Little.”  

The patient was eventually identified as Joseph R. Biden Jr. 79, of Scranton, PA. Biden was returned to the care facility under the supervision of his wife, whom he affectionately referred to as “Mommy.”