There’s a man in Idaho political circles who’s known as “The Election Machine.”  Candidates who personally benefit from Deep State, big government policies (a.k.a. Republicans in Name Only) turn to this man when they’re facing uphill battles, because “The Election Machine” knows how to fool the voters.

The Idaho Pea conducted exhaustive research to uncover just who “The Election Machine” is and then tracked down his whereabouts. Information was gathered from smoky back rooms, high dollar speakeasies, massage parlors, and gentlemen’s clubs, because that’s where politicians in-the-know could be found.

Once enough intelligence was gathered, the Idaho Pea tracked down the Election Machine in a place no one would ever think to look.  The man who knows how to pull election strings in Idaho is a checker at a small neighborhood convenience store in Nampa.  We have kept “The Election Machine’s” identity private to minimize the possibility of Democrats learning who he really is.

The complete interview is printed here in its entirety.

IDAHO PEA: We are happy to finally meet you.  We looked everywhere.

ELECTION MACHINE: I’m surprised you found me.  You must be professionals.

IP: It was luck, really.  We found your number scratched on the bathroom wall near a RINO’s office at the capitol.  It said, “For a good time, call The Election Machine.”

EM: I should probably change my number. 

IP: So, tell us, how did you get started?  Did you used to be a professional political consultant?

EM:  No.  It all started when I met Larry Craig in a men’s restroom.  One thing led to another and pretty soon I knew I had a talent for this.  Over the years, I have perfected how to make candidates look like something they’re not. 

IP: You mean…

EM: I mean making people look conservative when they are totally the opposite. 

IP: Can you give any examples?

EM: Say a certain candidate has no real conservative bonafides.  You know, a real blank, but they want the perks of being in office – if you catch my drift.  There was this one guy…scared of his own shadow…of course I can’t use real names so let’s call him, um, Lad.  Yeah.  Lad Brittle.  Anyway, the guy was a real empty suit.  But I worked my magic, helped get him appointed to a few key places, and shazam – when we put everything in place he was eventually elected to Guh…um, high office. 

IP: But how?  What’s your secret?

EM: Cowboy hat trick.

IP: What’s the cowboy hat trick? 

EM:  You put any wannabe in a cowboy hat, take a picture, put an “R” by his name, send it out on a big, oversized postcard and you got more than half the voters on your side just with that. 

IP:  That’s it?  That’s your secret?

EM: That’s one of the big ones that works well almost every time.  Of course, I also got some variations on it. Put a gun in any candidate’s hand, take a picture, slap it on a mailer, and again you’ve got votes.  Funny thing is, in most cases these candidates never held a real gun before and don’t want to, so if we need to, we take care of it in Photoshop.  Then we drop in a few people who look like they might be family, and bam! Votes come rolling in!

IP:  Surely you have more clients than just Lad Brittle.

EM: Oh yeah. There’s another guy, I’ll call him…um…Bot.  Bot Scedke. Made him look all friendly to voters when he’s nothing of the sort!  He’s a complete sham!  But the cowboy hat thing worked. I slapped a cowboy hat on him, sent out a mailer, and dang if people aren’t wanting to vote for him!  

IP:  How about the Idaho Senate?  

EM:  That place is big money for me, but it’s kinda funny, ‘cuz they’re pretty much all the same. I mean, look at their voting records!  No one would ever vote for most of those people without my help.  But I slap them in a cowboy hat or photoshop a pic of them at the shooting range and bam! Oh, and I always teach them to keeping saying ‘pro-life.’  Put all three of those things on one of those big postcards and well, they’re gonna win practically every time.” 

The interview was interrupted at this point because “The Election Machine” had an elderly customer who needed two propane tanks filled and 27 scratcher tickets verified as winners.

The Idaho Pea would like to thank “The Election Machine” for his “tricks of the trade” and explaining how Idaho elections work.

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